Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Blowjob Queens

by Aaron Rodriguez in

Do you know what's difficult? Writing recaps for a show where absolutely nothing interesting happens. Therefore I'd like to introduce you to my Real Housewives Relevancy Ranking, recapping the women from most interesting to least interesting. You can stop reading when the storylines top being interesting. I'm just looking out for you, my brothas. For all of you who are right there with me watching this week after week, I commend you. Reruns of The Real Housewives of D.C. are more interesting than this 42 minute Ambien pill.  But let's all pop this one together and drift off to a dreamland filled of boring Italians. 

1. Teresa 

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While Milania films scenes for the upcoming Bend it Like Beckham sequel, Professor Joe Giudice gives Teresa an impromptu history lesson. He explains Joe Gorga's got Napoleon syndrome, meaning he's short and bitter. After several attempts to differentiate "Napoleon syndrome" from "bipolar disorder" Teresa just sleeps with the professor and gets an A in the class. Joe Giudice believes Melissa wears a strap on to control her husband's every move, which contradicts Teresa's theory of pussywhipping. WHICH IS IT? I know I would much rather prefer being dickwhipped than pussywhipped, but my opinion's biased. I'm guessing a man can't be both, although maybe I'm just being close-minded. 

Teresa attempts to prove she writes her own blogs by pecking at her keyboard in a way that would have Mavis Beacon sobbing when Rosie O'Donnel calls to set up a meeting to clear up their issues. When the two get together Rosie completely She-Hulks out and screams at her cousin while banging her fists on the table. In her confessional Teresa says she doesn't understand why Rosie gets like that so quickly (probably because she hasn't had sex in six years, honestly) forgetting that she herself flipped a table only four seasons ago. Those were the days. The two agree a family retreat to a holistic healing facility will end all the drama, because of course. WIth the help of Chief Running Buffalo I hope Teresa and Joe can sit in a sweat lodge and sort out all their issues. Only time will tell. 

2. Kathy 

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Cannolis are tearing the Walkile household apart! Kathy becomes enraged with Rich when he informs her that her treats will be delivered in boxes that are just as bland and boring as she is. He's way too busy pumping gas and being a perv to take the time to listen to his wife's business demands. Later in the episode Rich reveals he bought Kathy her own test kitchen, run by an extremely attractive man named Jacob. With glistening golden locks and a jaw chiseled like a Greek statue, he could preheat my oven any day of the week. Oh yeah Jacob, take that whisk and stick it in my batter. Pour that vegetable oil all over your body and...what? Kathy and Richie fight some more.  

3. Melissa 

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The season-long publicity blitz for Melissa's Kama Sutra book continues as she continues plugging it in every single scene. She's currently wrapped up in a Twitter feud with Teresa over a Chanel bag, and Joe Gorga does not approve. I for one totally approve because fights over designer clutches are exactly what I want from all the Housewives, but Mr. Gorga wants to squash the best drama of the season/my dreams. He's extremely upset Melissa continues to attack his sister...even though he just got done attacking his sister at New Jersey's social club The Get Fit Health and Fitness Center. 

For the rest of her airtime she tries to give her dead father a storyline for this season. Seriously the producers' attempt at making this cheating story seem relevant is sadder than Danielle's pre-op square tits. No one cares if her dad may or may not have cheated long before the Bravo network ever existed. We get it, Melissa- you're releasing a book about your marriage. I'm happy your relationship is more solid than your crumbling bathroom sink. 

4. Caroline

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Caroline's children continue to be disgusting and worthless. During a family dinner, minus deadbeat dad Albert, they discuss the topic of children. Average Albie cannot wait to start procreating and spreading his ok looks to a new generation. Thankfully QuaziManzo doesn't want any spawn, thus avoiding a District-9esque future. He's especially averse to producing a girl, obviously because they've turned him down all of his adult life. Only Esmeralda understands him. At this point Lab Band Lauren chimes in saying she was never a whore when she was younger because she was fat. Ummm, excuse me but have you ever seen an episode of Jerry Springer?! Fat girls can be whores if they want! You can get off your surgically installed pedestal at any time there, Lap Band. She also insists big booty girls are blowjob queens...Lauren just because you were doesn't mean every girl with some extra padding went around blowing every pants trumpet in Jersey. 

Cafface is actually a thing that exists.  

5. Jacqueline 

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Jacqueline continues to struggle with her son's autism. She also struggles to keep her boner, as it's killed at even the simplest mention of Teresa. Someone threaded her eyebrows. 

I'm off to rewatch the three seconds Jacob was on the screen. See you next week!