Welcome to my first recap of America's Next Top Model Cycle 20. Tyra continues to call this Cycle 2.0, a sad attempt at making us forget about the 19 Sears catalogue cover stars she crowned before this year, but sadly all of those cottage cheese thighs and low cheekbones are burned into my perfectly shaped skull for eternity. Due to my modeling competition show The Face outdoing this low budget circus in the ratings, Tyra desperately brought in men to compete in hopes that the vaginas of women and homosexuals everywhere would grab their remotes and watch. None of these testosterone oozing barbarians make me want to open up the Gucci pocketbook between my legs, and instead of trying to appear on GQ they should all just GO. Besides, I have men on my show too, like Nigel Barker and Coco Rocha. Hahaha, just kidding Coco. I will destroy you. And yes, I do know there was a casting episode last week that I did not recap. I was busy sipping low-cal dirty martinis and judging others with Karl Lagerfeld in the French Riviera. Do you have a problem with that? Didn't think so.
The show opens with Tyra telling the...I can't call them models...I'll use the word peasants. The show opens with Tyra telling the peasants their first runway show involves walking down the side of a building. How appropriate that The Hulk informs these pudgy ingrates about a Spiderman-esque challenge. All the girls and guys freak out- sad really, seeing as how I've been walking in heels higher than that skyscraper since I was three. The results of the Guess fashion show are appalling. This sort of spectacle wouldn't even be seen at London Fashion Week, the worst of the fashion weeks. Renee wins the challenge because she doesn't flail as wildly as the others, and gains entrance to The Tyra Suite. She seemed excited about this, but I fail to understand the joy of winning a night in a glorified room at the Econolodge.
At the photoshoot Tyra appears again, telling the peasants she'll be working on their makeup for the entire cycle. Oh honey, remember when you were a model? Me neither. Maybe she can fill the spot of the makeup artist I recently sent to the ICU for forgetting to order my special anti-aging cream made of fairy dust and infant tears. This week's shoot showcases different types of weddings, but Tyra has yet to learn a wedding only matters if it's to a billionaire. These images wouldn't even cut it in a tourist brochure for Reno.
Alexandra: Go back to the Ke$ha music video you came from and stop trying to model.
Bianca: Russian Vogue? No. Russian Harper's Bazaar? No. Russian soup kitchen. Yes.
Chlea: Why would I even bother?
Chris H: You look like the boy at the high school prom who brought his cousin as a his date.
Chris S: Tyra, white people appropriating African American stereotypes is not fashionable. Go "twerk" with Miley Cyrus and leave me alone.
Cory: Your perfectly hexagonal face offends me.
Don: Call me if you are painfully wealthy. If not, I have no use for you.
Jeremy: You have unfortunate nipples.
Jiana: Your block head and jaundiced skin make you a dead ringer for one of those little Lego people.
Jourdan: I'd be more intrigued by a piece of white bread covered in mayonnaise. Also you've been eating too many pieces of white bread covered in mayonnaise.
Marvin: Enjoy the only time in your life you'll be surrounded by that many women.
Mike: Go back to serving ice cream out of a truck. Actually, even that job is too fashionable for you. Try accounting.
Nina: You look like an MS Paint project gone horribly wrong.
Phil: Why is that television not tuned into Oxygen to catch a rerun of The Face? Oh, because this show rejects anything related to fashion like the plague.
Renee: The only aisle you've been walking down is the chip aisle.
Ultimately both Bianca and Chris S. exited this expressway to irrelevancy in order to trudge slowly and painfully towards irrelevancy. Don't worry kids, you both still have futures in fashion- Vogue needs drivers to deliver their issues to Barnes & Noble. I'll call Anna Wintour and put in a good word. Because misery loves company I hope you'll join me for next week's episode- the makeovers. I'm sure Tyra will bleach many an eyebrow and sew the tracks I wore 15 years ago into someone's oddly-proportioned head. The fashion will surely be deplorable, but watching these fools turn into chia pets will be delicious.